You are in: Timeline -> 2000 -> Wedding -> The Speeches -> Ted's Speech
"I
first knew Dave by reputation more than personality. At the time we both
worked in IT for Prospero Insurance (now AXA). He had two main points of fame.
Firstly, he worked a 4 day week
by choice because, and I quote "I can think of better things to do on a
Friday than work".
Secondly, he was the envy of
every male in the office. No Ann, not because of you at that point I'm afraid.
There is a saying, men never grow up, they just change their toys. Dave has the
BEST toys!
A full, 24 hour Le Mans
Scalextric. Yes, the one with the working headlights. His famous Leatherman
one-piece toolkit that I'm sure can and probably has been used to put RAF
Tornados back in the air during the Gulf conflict - and it fits neatly into a
handy pouch that you can attach to your belt.
A juicer shaped like one of
Flash Gordon's spaceships. Thereby ensuring that his Margeritas are issued with
the precision of a West German production line. I don't know exactly what he
puts into these but the last time I had one, you could have amputated my legs
from the knees down without anaesthetic. In fact, at one point, I thought
someone had because they were no use to me at all!
He also used to pop across to
France on occasion to 'help a mate build himself a swimming pool'. And you
believed that one Ann? You'll learn.
When Dave was moved so that we
sat next to each other in the office, his less than conventional manner and easy
personality meant that we got along famously.
So famously, in fact, that I
persuaded him to leave at the first opportunity! I was a contractor and, to
spare your blushes, you can see the phrase that had so much influence in tilting
Dave's life in yet another direction on the Internet at www.davestow.com.
He got a contract at North West
Water on loadsadosh and I got his 17" monitor and CD-ROM.
Dave's lack of respect extended
past the management to those who worked alongside him. Mandy & I have been
blessed with three lovely children and I like to keep a picture on my desk just
to remind me where the money Mandy doesn't manage to spend goes to. I returned
from holiday to find that said picture had been cunningly altered by person or
persons unknown. Someone had replaced the faces of my children with the face of
our boss Kevan. A shock for any doting parent I can assure you. (Picture
displayed)
<Picture in here eventually>
I never found out exactly who
was responsible, however a certain Mr Stow could be found giggling in a
corner…
I like to think that some of
Dave's finer points have rubbed off on me. Indeed that was also the first of my
celebrated 5-week summer vacations. One of those things I most respect about
Dave is that where you & I use the phrase "I would go tomorrow",
when tomorrow comes, off he goes, as his recent exploits in the colonies go to
prove.
I first met Ann in a pub on a Prospero night out, yes I know that
will come as a surprise to you all, Ann being a teetotal Methodist. We hit it off straight away, mainly
due to the fact that we had so much in common. We discussed in depth and, I
might add, with considerable authority, a wide range of topics.
Relation database theory and
techniques.
The origin of mankind.
Several definitive meanings of
life.
Exactly why Blackburn Rovers
were relegated…again! Others?
In short we were both 'very,
very drunk'.
It was also during the course
of that evening that we found yet another area of mutual interest. Kids! Don't
panic Dave, the goat variety of course. In fact the only thing that has ever
prevented Ann from keeping goats herself, she informed me, was 'poxy landlords
who just don't understand how intelligent and useful an animal a goat is'. Cos
they're luvley! Ann kindly offered there and then to babysit the goats any time
Mandy & I fancied a night out.
It therefore came as no surprise that Ann should be so smitten with Dave. This picture of Dave was taken just before he left Prospero. (Display picture)
<This picture also will be
available>
Ahh Dave, revenge is definitely
a dish best taken cold.
Mandy and I were later invited
to one of Ann's famous parties. A lovely party, most notable by the fact that
Ann herself passed out - er, retired to bed around 9pm. She then got up again at
around half past midnight just as we were leaving. She then ingratiated herself
even further with my wife by insisting that I remain behind to see the party out
while Mandy went home to see the children. I, of course, failed to see the
downside to this arrangement. Suffice to say that Mandy was less than impressed
with the idea and as a dutiful husband I accompanied her home.
Later we invited them to stay
with us for the weekend. We put on enough food to feed several armies and
brought into service the infamous 'Dave and Ann beer fridge'. This is an old
fridge pressed back into service with the sole purpose of keeping sufficient
quantities of beer cool. Aware of Ann's capabilities we also arranged back up
from the local hostelry in case we ran out.
We had a whale of a time and
this became a regular event. We all shared cooking and Mandy & I were
introduced to the pleasures of Vegetarian cuisine. Because, of course, Dave was
still a vegetarian at this point.
Now I'm a traditional man and I
like a good English breakfast on a Sunday. It's one of life's little pleasures.
So Saturday night would be veggie, beer and good company, then Sunday morning it
was pork in it's various guises. Sizzling sausages, crispy bacon. Mmmmmmm.
As we all know Dave is a man of
wide and varied interests, so when Mandy & I actually decided to keep pigs
ourselves I was not surprised when Dave asked about various breeds, how to keep
them, how much work involved etc etc. So much so that I did begin to genuinely
believe that he was considering the idea of establishing a pig sanctuary to
rescue the poor little porkers from their ultimate demise.
Not so I'm afraid, he
was planning to reacquaint himself with the Demon meat. After some months
drooling every Sunday morning, he surprised us all one day and just grabbed
a sausage. We were astounded! Even more so when he followed this with
some bacon. Before we knew it, pork butchers around Bentham were rejoicing in
the streets. And planning holidays to far away exotic places.
Now when the local farmers talk
to me about 'weekend farmers', what do you lot know? I can counter with 'well
not much but I did cure a vegetarian once'.
At this point I do have to mention the Stag Night. Or
day and night as it was. We started at lunchtime (liquid lunch) and toured the
more salubrious venues around Lancaster. Just as an aside you would be amazed
just how many people drink all afternoon on a Tuesday. Anyway we reached a lull
around tea time when either Dave started to speak Swaheli or I went partially
deaf. I could see his lips moving but couldn’t make out a word.
Realising we were in dire need
of something to soak up the beer we headed for the nearest KFC. I ordered first
and Ade then ordered a bargain bucket. Thinking that this was for several
people, I was surprised to hear Dave say ' Mmmm that's a good idea, I'll have
one of those' Me too says Tony. For the uninitiated, a bargain bucket is 8, 10
or 12 pieces of chicken plus 4 portions of chips, etc.. Oh how the mighty have
fallen.
Dave tells me that he met Ann
'over a punch bowl' at a party. It must have been some party, the punch bowl in
question was in fact a dustbin. Ann was trying to get well
just about anyone to ring the dustbin into her glass. Dave provided his
customary logic and good sense by suggesting two seats next to the bin with some
very long straws. The rest as they say is history, a match made in heaven if
ever there was one!
Not long ago Mandy and
I had cause to knock down our old barn before it fell down. Dave and Ann offered
their services, which were gratefully received. It also gave me the opportunity
to show Dave some of my toys. The look that came over his face when I produced
my chain saw was worth seeing. A Husqvana 272XP with a 20" blade, automatic
oil pump and their revolutionary vibration damping system.
Ar Ar Ar.
It was only when a little voice
behind me said 'can I have a go' that I saw yet another area of attraction
between them. The look of delight on Ann's face behind the safety helmet and
goggles said it all. And for all you women out there searching for a new look to
tempt the man in your life, hey give it a try, it works for me!
Now chaps here is one piece of
advice my father gave to me and made me promise to pass on to my children.
'Son, he said, never get married'
But when you find a woman who
looks like an angel, cooks like an angel AND can use a chain saw, I just can't
imagine what else any man could want.
And finally, before I
make the toast, I have a few words of wisdom I'd like to pass on.
To Ann: If you love
something set it free, if it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours. If
it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your
room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, fills your house
with junk and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either
married it or gave birth to it.
To Dave: The key to a
long and happy marriage is to remember those three little words; 'You're right
dear!'
I think the one thing I have
learned over the last 15 years of marriage is that you cannot make someone love
you. All you can do is to try to be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to
them. Speaking for myself, I love you both.
May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever.
Ladies and Gentlemen: the
Bride and Groom.